These are responses to questions people who have read the book
have asked me. They are all tied to Chapter 1
- It is interesting how humans work. I remember feeling so chaotic
and out of control in those first few hours, yet I could focus
enough to ask the coroner why she looked so splotchy/blotchy. He was
very kind and explained that it was caused by liver mortis, which
happens soon after death and up to 12 hours later. Liver mortis,
which is different than rigor mortis, is when the blood pools in the
lowest parts of the body, since the heart is no longer circulating
- I use the term "triggers" to mean when one thing reminds me of
something else; like someone who looks like her "triggers" my grief
and a whole cascade of memories.
- It is only in retrospect that I can appreciate that confrontation
is a loving act. At the time everything just felt horrible. The
loving part of confrontation is the vote of confidence that I can
face the question and make a new choice. Without the demand on me,
my recovery would have been more protracted. You have to care a lot
to engage in the conflict. Conflict is asking simple question; the
intent is to teach. Hostility is name-calling and yelling; the
intent is to hurt. Lesson learned.
- In the process of facing my demons, I learned that I am more
resilient then I knew. A very strange and awkward lesson in the
midst of such disruption.
- The risk of getting up and getting going every morning is one of
the hardest things I have ever done. It was a risk because I was
always reminded of her absence. Easier to stay quiet and safe. I was
in graduate school at the time and to go to classes, write papers,
plus the rest of life, took more effort then climbing Mt Everest.